I am still struggling with my up bringing (which wasn't bad don't get me wrong) I have been on a daily basis put down (whether intentional or not it was always happening.). Through illness and medication my teeth rotted... My weight fluctuated... My already round face was made worse... My nick names then became Sumo.. And moon face or moony for short... My self esteem was fairly low... Is still fairly low... I struggle with so much because I have never been made to feel like I could do anything I was made to feel the opposite.
If I ever brought up how I was feeling or made to feel everyone would get, defensive and make me feel worse for daring to tell them that they always hurt me... This was why I distanced myself from my whole family... None of them knew that I only ever wanted to be apart of their lives and be close with them and wanted to be confident and happy like them... I wanted friends like theirs and I wanted to be able to dress like them... I never gained any fashion sense so to speak because I always felt I wasn't good enough for nice clothes... I cover up and wear basics.. When I got dressed up I was tugged and primed and preened to how they all thought it should be... I got some positive attention from them once they were done so I just let them all the while feeling like it would be the closest to them that ill ever be and tried to enjoy it but just ended up feeling sad because I should have been able to do those things myself like my own hair my own outfits and my own make up...
I've had so many moments where giving up would have been the happiest thing for me to do.
No one relised how their fun and mucking around destroyed me... I take everything personally now like silly comments like your leggings are saggy in the bum, you've got something in your teeth, you have no boobs... there's heaps more but you get the idea... none of them are hurtful comments but i only need one to make me uncomfortable for the whole day and second guess everything I do..
I have been married for 4 years to a wonderful man and I don't know why... I am waiting for the day he tells me that he found someone better than me.. My lifetime of lacking confidence and having such a low self esteem make being in a relationship extremely difficult.
I've been working really hard to lose weight because I've always felt like I was severely obese the image I see when I look in a mirror is not what I really look like and I know now that I'm not even fat.. I have a few extra cm that I would like to lose to be more comfortable but I am not fat. I lost inches and inches from my size and never once did a single person tell me that i looked like I'd lost weight... That has been a big killer for me also..
I've only ever wanted to be accepted and to feel like I'm good enough like everyone else...
